I love being with him.

I put him down to bed….I rush off…late, as there is never an exact time I know I will have him down by. I am out, I see people, I chat, I enjoy nice food….I do the social thing…it’s….fine really. Yet I find as I’m driving home, there is a sadness in me, a melancholy. I am so looking forward to being home…to seeing him in the night. It sounds crazy…but I am. I walk in the door, and my husband tells me that he must have heard the car door shut, because he’s only just started to cry. Secretly I’m relieved. I run upstairs and take him into my room…he immediately calms down upon being picked up and nuzzles himself in to me. I pull him close and he starts to feed from me…and I have this sense of relief. Total peace. It’s bliss almost. I never thought I’d feel this way…but I do. It’s not because anyone has told me I need to feel it…I just do. I savour him there in that moment…so tiny. I stroke his arm, knowing one day it will be so big and strong…but for now, he’s my little baby boy in my arms, and I’m the centre of his world. What a privilege.

Life does not afford me these moments often. Usually when he wakes in the night, I either fall asleep feeding him or I lay awake after he’s gone back to sleep desperate to sleep myself. There are those times I struggle just to cook the dinner, tidy the kitchen, get ready to go out….times when it isn’t the most lovely blissful thing to have a little creature totally dependent on you. When it’s hard work….when it’s stressful…when they decide they need to feed while you’re having your teeth cleaned and you just know the dental hygienist thinks you’re nuts.

So when I do actually have these moments where I’m sitting there holding him, feeling like I can’t get enough of him..I’m so thankful….

Having children has been the one thing in life I’ve experienced that has made me stop dead in my tracks…and seriously not wish for the time to pass. Even though I long for a full night’s sleep sometimes, or a day to finally properly clean my house, or work on my writing or practice my music…..those things I feel I need to do…there is nothing that compares to holding a baby in a quiet dark room at night…while he is half asleep, feeding and comforting himself in your arms.

I love my little boy xxxx