So after three and a half years of nursing in public without incident….I experienced what far too many women have experienced in the western world. The “confrontation”

The sad thing was..it happened in a place where I would have least expected it.  It happened at my parents church. It was just at the start of the service here in the States. (this is after three and a half years of active church involvement in the UK and South Africa..so my experience up to this point has been nothing but positive)  

I was in the back corner,  nursing my 7 month old little boy when one of the elder’s wives came up to me and said “do you have a shawl or something you can put on?” I said “no I don’t actually” I couldn’t believe this was happening. I will spare you the blow by blow of the conversation but I was basicaly asked to “consider the rest of the people there over my own right to nurse in public” When I pointed out that I was not even showing anything she said something along the lines of “yes…but,just the fact that you’re doing it” whaaaaaaaaat? Again. shock. My only response was to say “that is just really really sad that people here feel that way”

I walked to one of the sunday school rooms, feeling a bit shocked and shakey…I couldn’t believe it. When I sat down to finnish feeding Judah I just started to cry. I really don’t know why it affected me so much…but it did. About ten minutes later this woman came and found me and was wanting to talk to me and make sure there wasn’t anything “funny between us” I actually felt sorry for her. She really did not have a clue who she was talking to. She knew my parents but she didn’t know anything about me.

In our exchange, I was confronted with the two big buzz phrases that some Christians use on this issue.

1. Modesty and causing a brother to stumble (romans 14:29)

2. Causing offense and how we’re not supposed to do that.

I managed to communicate some points to her and ask some questions.

The first being, if people have an issue with breastfeeding, even if it’s not showing anything, why would a shawl help? She then told me that many of the women in the church have issues with other women breastfeeding in the main meeting, full stop. That their husbands are uncomfortable with it. I asked why? are they worried their husbands are looking at other women’s breasts? no no, nothing like that…they just feel strongly about modesty.

Ahah. There you have it. Modesty. I am not going to even go there right now and explain how I feel about that particlar issue…and how that word is used…but I did ask her this.

What is modesty? Is it being covered head to toe?? No of course not..that’s extreme right??? Well…where do you draw the line then? Do you let culture define it? Fasion trends? literal passages from scripture? (braids are not allowed then)

It seems as though Jesus spent a lot of time talking about the heart. He was very condeming of those who trusted in simply following the letter of the law, and seemed a lot more concerned about what was going on in someone’s heart. So when it comes to modesty. I believe it is more about an attitude you have in your heart, not always about what people see on the outside.

For example, if you see a woman sitting in a coffee shop, feeding her baby…and the baby suddenly pulls of the breast and decides to look around, and you get a flash of the woman’s breast. Is she being immodest? No, she’s probaby mortified and does what she can to cover herself up before anyone else gets an eyefull of a breast that she is most likely self concious of and not particularily proud of. Is she more modest if she’s not attractive and her breast isn’t exactly appealing? Is she less modest if she happens to be beautiful as well? How do we measure modesty? On how beautiful and appealing someone happens to be?

If we are talking about immodesty, as regards to dress, to me, the term would refer to someoe who trusts in their body, and uses it to get something they want….compliments, attention, love, sex, admiration, power, whatever that happens to be, but for crying out loud, NOT to a mother showing a bit of skin while she feeds her child.

It makes me wonder if people simply have a huge issue with a child sucking on a breast…if the act itself is what is unappealing and makes them cringe. I wonder if certain christians are using the ”modesty” excuse for the fact that the idea of a child nursing is in itself off putting.  If that is the case, then people need to really search their hearts and ask themselves what in them makes  natural function like feeding a child so uncomfortable to them. If they can not get over the oversexualization of the breasts to accept their first and primary function, or if they struggle with lust, and the mere sight of a breast sends them into a tizzy, then to me, the problem is with THEM, not the mother nursing.

They have options. They can look away. They can simply not come. Do these same people not go to the supermarket during the summer when skimpy clothes are everywhere and breastfeeding women are protected by the law? I suppose then they could pull up the ”but this is a church” argument. To which I say…the church is not a place or a building, it is the body of Christ gathered together, and it is meant to be a safe haven for all to come no matter what.  When Jesus was on earth, he hung out with the poor, and the down and outs, and those with bad reputations….he managed to hang around prosititues and never sin…and we know he reached out to them and they felt nothing but love from Him. He went for their hearts…and he won them. But that’s nothing to do with breastfeeding in public really. I get the impression that breastfeeding was a non issue back then….as it should be now. The Bible mentions it in the most normal terms possible. It’s simply what mothers did for their children, not only nourishing them physically, but creating a bond that is compared to the love that God has for us.

God designed our bodies to feed our children..and it must make Him really sad to see a culture that has allowed such a normal everyday invaluable tool in mothering, undervalued. So people may get defensive here and say “well it’s very much valued, but we shouldn’t have to look at it” or “it’s inappropriate to do in public” Sorry. It doesn’t wash. When a mother is told she needs to cover up she usually feels mortified, embarassed, ashamed, and like SHE has done something wrong. That’s not a way to value something.

If more teenagers and boys in particular were exposed to mothers nursing in public, it would become less of a taboo, and perhaps men and boys would start to recognize the primary function of the breasts, and perhaps girls would be more motivated to succeed at breastfeeding when their turn comes around. I’m so glad that if anything, my children will grow up knowing and experiencing first had the reason for breasts.

Not everyone who breastfeeds always does it discreatly 100% of the time. I admit there are times I have thrown some clothes without thinking on that are not totally condusive to feeding and suddenly found myself needing to nurse my baby. I’ll admit the previous Sunday this happened I was in a sun dress which isn’t the easiest to feed in…maybe not the best choice..but I think we mothers need a bit of grace and don’t need to be jumped on the moment we show too much skin. We’re not trying to make anyone stumble. We’re mothering our children. It’s sad that people immediately get a bit wierded out by seeing breasts used for their primary purpose. Why should we have to be bannished to another room and miss out on the service because our children need us?

If men are struggling with lust, we can help them out by not parading half naked in front of them, but….they need to train their eyes. In this day and age they simply will not escape skin exposed to them. If the bit of skin they see when a mother feeds their child is really causing their minds to spin out of control…then they should look away, and also seriously consider never going out in public again, especially in the summertime.  If the fact that a child is breastfeeding makes a man uncomfortable…even if it’s covered up…that’s pretty sick and sad and he should pray and ask God to heal his warped mindset on the matter.

It’s like in China..when they used to bind women’s feet….feet back then were the big turn on…the value of feet for sexual attraction was valued more than the ability for women to be able to walk, and many times women could barely walk as a result. So what would this church have done in ancient China? not let women walk in front of men? So now breasts serve a double purpose….and the culture’s value of them for sexual purposes seems to have trumped their primary purpose and made mothers who are using them in that way feel uncomfortable unless they are hidden away out of sight. In China the women were cripped by their practices…..and I wonder how much our society today has suffered because of our culture’s oversexualization of the breasts.

I realize I’ve touched on the larger issue of breastfeeding in public…but my main purpose was to address the issue with certain fellow Christians who seem to be using verses about not offending, not causing people to stumble, and modesty…..in a way that in the long run, does nothing to empower mothers, and normalize the normal way to feed children. It simply reinforces the warped mentality of the western world….and validates it.

When you start making rules in a church about breastfeeding, you’re heading down a legalistic path…and not winning any hearts. Sure you may have the odd mother (like me) who shows a bit too much skin one sunday because breastfeeding is now such a normal part of her life, she sometimes puts on a dress without thinking that was not made with lactating mothers in mind. But most of the time…we’re pretty good about it…because honestly…the last thing we want anyone to see is our post pregnancy tummy….so the odd indiscreat nursing episode is in no way justified as a reason to make women who are feeding their children feel ashamed, embarassed, and like they are doing something wrong…or causing someone else to sin. As far as causing offence…I just don’t think this issue is one that any sane person has a legitimate reason to be offended about.