I have to be honest. I have in recent years really started to get cynical about youth ministry. My stint spent working face to face with teenagers was short lived in many ways. I spent roughly seven years, five of which were “paid” years on the ground doing the whole youth thing. So when Jon excitedly informed me that we’d been asked to be “village hosts” for Soul Survivor, meaning we could all go for free and he would spend the week running around checking on campers and generally feeling a part of the event whereas I’d get to spend the week keeping Judah for pulling tents to bits…I sort of managed a smile.

So we bought a tent and packed up and headed down. Soon afterwards, people arrived and tents were put up and soon the place was swarming with teenagers.  *insert huge long sigh* So much stays the same. Guys with guitars prowling around looking cool, girls laughing ten times louder than usual and screaming at the top of their lounges over mild injuries like stepping on each other’s toes. Each little set of tents  awash with inside jokes and banter. Then of course there is the main meeting where they swarm towards the front, jump around and dance and get all excited. This is where my evil twin steps in and remarks in the most cynical tone possible “it’s all so predictable”

I stayed out of the main meeting the first night. I wasn’t really interested. I mean, I’d seen it all before really. Jon came back all excited that over 100 had gone forward to become Christians and inwardly I thought “really?? did they? for real? hmmm we’ll see what happens”

Day 2. A huge selection of  smaller meetings on various subjects, all very interesting and lead by high quality speakers. I roll my eyes as I notice our group does not seem in the least bothered and would rather laze around on camping chairs. “typical” I think. I feel flooded with the frustrations of my own past experiences. All the thought, planning, heart, prayer, time, energy, risk, that would go into something….and half the time, (or in my case it felt like 95% of the time) they were not bothered. (how dare they not validate ME???”)

I knew I should not take it personally. Teenagers being teenagers and all that….but let’s be honest..of course I did!!! sure I knew that it was never about me, that I was just a servant, and that teenagers were not there to validate me or feel good about myself…that that sort of thing had to come from God alone, and my work with them was serving him..not them..or myself.  And it was genuinely out of care for them that I did what I did as well. However…me being imperfect and human, I often fell into the trap of wanting to “do” something that looked good, and that I could feel validated from.

Anyway, the first morning:

I remark grouchily that I won’t be able to leave Judah in the creche. He’s been crying on and off all morning and in a grumpy mood.

Judah takes one look at the vast assortment of toys and activities and scrambles out of my arms and dissapears into the sea of toys without a backward glance. Hmmm Ok.

So I make it into the meeting. Well, not exactly into. I’m in the lobby area and I decide to recharge my phone in one of the surprisingly empty sockets. (any available electrical outlet on the site is crammed full of several charging mobile phones)

I sit on the outside, I wander in to let Jon know I’m there, worship sounds good. Well of course it does. it’s flipping Soul Survivor..the birthplace of legends like Matt Redman and Tim Hughes..so I’d have to really be plunging into depths of cynicism if I started slagging off the worship. No, of course it was good. *sigh*

Mike Pavolichi takes the stage….I’m making it sounds like a performance, but I can assure you it’s refreshingly real. I love Mike. I mean, I don’t know him, but he was one of the early personalities in the world of UK youth work that I heard speak in the early days of my time in England. He’s incredibly raw, honest, real, and funny. I had to admit it was nice just to hear him speak again. The week’s topic for the morning sessions is Joseph and I do love a good old testament bible story. I have to leave before the end though to get the kids.

Later in the day a girl from our group tells me she’s become a Christian. I smile. “that’s great” I say. I am surprised that inside I am truly happy instead of flooded with my usual cynical thoughts…this is because…I can see it’s real. I know it is. Of course it is. Later that night while I’m making hot chocolate for the random delegates who drop by our tent in the evening, a lad tells me his story of coming to faith and how he’s “made his choice now for sure, no turning back” this week. I’m strangely warmed talking to him…and I start to remember why I got into this whole thing.

Day 2

The kids again settle into playroom with no issues whatsoever.

I actually worship this time. One of the first times in a long time that I’ve worshipped in a meeting  outside the rush of a Sunday morning. Some beautiful songs flood my heart and my ears. Suddenly I’m getting flash backs. I was here…a long long time ago.  Not here literally..but here…in this kind of place.

It’s a large auditorium at the Hyatt in Chicago…or a large massive conference room stuffed with teenagers in Miami Florida…a massive tent situated on a grotty college campus in Florida….I am between the ages of 13-16….and I’m so excited…I’m singing, surrounded by friends, and adventure is on the horizon. I am expecting God to do amazing things, I’m believing God for miracles, and I feel incredibly free. It’s all so real to me. I have no doubts…God is awesome, and I am going to live for him 100% no matter what.

Memories flood my mind. I don’t just see a bunch of self obsessed annoying teenagers….I see myself. I remember. I remember how great it felt. How real it was…and the reality was..it was so real…the fact that God loves me and has a plan for my life. It still is..it’s just…I’ve let it get a lot more complicated.  Somehow I’ve believed this lie that I am less lovable, less worthy, and less special now, than I was then. I hadn’t made so many mistakes then. I was fresh, I was unblemished by life and my own imperfections. I was not carrying around a load of failed attempts at youth ministry, at relationships. Several big decisions about my life were ahead of me, not behind me and irreversible.

Yet…I guess I forget this very OBVIOUS BASIC FACT that God is still God. He has not changed. He saw me now, as I am, back then, when I was there. No change on his part whatsoever…just mine. And again, this is something I’ve always kind of known…(because I’m smart) but….knowing it in your head is a lot different from knowing it in your heart.

So back to the present. I’m worshipping again….surrounded by thousands of teenagers who are on the edge of the rest of their lives. Their hearts are full, they are sure, they believe. God speaks to me and says “their worship is precious to me…just as yours was then….you felt my love then…feel it now..I saw the future back then…and you are still precious to me”

In that moment, the tears started to run, tears of healing. I became a little bit more free…..something dropped off me that I’d been carrying a long time. I’m sure there is a lot more to go….

As the week unfolded and more and more amazing things happened with and among the young people, I felt free to be happy about it…and believe it.

I love Soul Survivor as a ministry. I love how they are so free…it’s not about them, it’s about God moving and meeting with the young people. There are loads of kids on the fringes that don’t even come into the meetings are leave halfway through and don’t bother with the seminars….but at the right time…they get there in the end, because it’s not about how great the meetings are..it’s about the fact that God loves them and is after them and will get to them any way He can. I have to laugh at myself and think “If Mike P. can cope with kids not coming to his meetings…I think I can too”

In the past, my one criticism would have been that it’s “not a mission trip” being the mission trip junkie that I am. However, there were LOADS of non Christian teenagers there….so it really was like a mission. Christian kids were not just escaping to a bubble for a week, they were taking their non Christian mates with them..and introducing to God and seeing many of them become Christians.

So yes, there was a lot of running around after Judah, keeping Iona happy, (she was fascinated with the showers) eating rubbish, and waiting around for Jon, and walking ages to get to the toilet……and a lot of hyperactive know it all self obsessed teenagers….who are precious to God…but in spite of all that…God used it to remind me of a few things and continue the journey of my healing.