I recently had a conversation with a midwife. Not just any midwife. One who has been in the job for many years and has plenty of experience. I was sounding her out. I am aware that although I may have the best, most up to date information at my fingertips with regards to breastfeeding, it is no match to the spoken words of a health professional, whether it be a pediatrician, a GP, a midwife, or a health visitor. This is regardless of the extent of their actual knowledge and training on the subject of breastfeeding itself.

I can understand this though, my heart goes out to the new mother, who is in a less than straightforward situation, where things have not gone to plan and is feeling powerless, because “she’s been told” or “she’s been advised” by a health professional to do such and such. As soon as the words are out of their mouths, mothers often feel locked in. Yet at the same time, mothers are desperate for information, they want to be guided and reassured and they want to know they are doing the right thing.

So I asked the midwife, “if breastfeeding is not going well to start out with, and a baby has either lost weight, or is a low weight to begin with, why are mothers told to only feed every three hours?”

The midwife replied to me that in such situations, pediatricians are concerned more about the mental state of  the mother. Already this sounds slightly patronizing to me.  She said “mothers want you to give them a plan of action, they want to write it down, they want to be told what to do” I can understand this. Having to be re admitted has got to be very upsetting and as a mother you want to do everything you can to get things sorted out. So I said “ok, but why the advice to feed every three hours, is there a medical reason for this having to do with the baby having lost weight or something?” (i’m trying to be open minded here) She replied “well, there is the idea that if the baby waits for three hours it’ll be hungry enough to take more milk instead of  just taking little bits” Well, right there, is an example of outdated breastfeeding advice.  So I said “but shouldn’t a mother be encouraged to protect her supply by stimulating her breasts as much as possible? either by the baby or pumping? If a mother wants “a plan” could she be told instead to hold the baby skin to skin as much as possible, and given techniques for waking a sleepy baby and getting a sleepy baby to latch on?” She replied, and this is what got me. She said “Yes, that would be good, but, most women don’t want to hold their babies all the time, that is not what they want to be told” I said “really? Don’t you think some mothers simply need permission to hold their babies more often, with all the advice that seems to be rampant on the wards about not picking their babies up too much?” She said “no, I don’t think so, I think a small percentage of mothers are willing to do that, but not most”

I asked these questions because I have heard mothers receive this advice. I did some research and asked several breastfeeding experts as well as digging into the massive recently published Breastfeeding answer book, and could get find no information that would support or back up this kind of advice. The science of breastfeeding requires babies to feed often.  Short little frequent  feeds that some people dismiss as “snacking” have been shown nourish a baby and provide even more nutrients and fat than longer spaced out feedings. A new mother especially needs to protect build her supply, so having the baby close to her, preferably skin to skin  and feeding on and off throughout the day and night is the most effective way of stimulating her milk to come in and of stimulating the baby to feed. This is biologically how we were made. We are carry mammals, like kangaroos and monkeys, and our milk has the lowest amount of fat and calories to any other species’ milk. Carry mammal babies need to be held continually and fed continually. It’s normal. Sure there are babies that do seem to just naturally only feed every four hours and don’t seem to need to be carried very often, but I would say they are the exception.

So mother’s are allegedly adverse to this advice. Allegedly. I actually think most of the time mothers are under a lot of cultural pressure to make their babies as independent as possible from the moment they come out of the womb. “Don’t pick the baby up too much or he’ll be clingy” the midwife warns, and “you don’t have to pick them up every time they cry, you’ll wear yourself out” cautions the health visitor. The overwhelming message seems to say “if you hold your baby too much and feed them whenever they want  you will be its slave forever and never get any sense of order in your life and die of exhaustion and depression” Combine this message with the underlying pressure on women in our society to perform and be all things to all people in record time after having a baby, and to prove to the world how well they are coping and how they are “just fine” and hardly need any help” and information and a true picture of the realities of breastfeeding may not be so readily accepted. However, it does not mean women do not have a right to the information.

I found the midwife’s take on the situation (based on her years of experience)  incredibly sad. So medical advice, dispensed by trusted pediatricians, given to women in a vulnerable position, who are scared, upset, and hormonal, is based on what they feel the mother wants to hear, and not based on any real information that will help facilitate breastfeeding. It’s like “let’s calm this mother down at any cost as she can ‘t obviously handle the truth” I find it highly disrespectful  of women and patronizing. It reinforces the notion that only real superwomen can breastfeed, and it’s great and all…but only if you can.

This sort of breastfeeding advice is not helpful, it undermines a woman’s efforts, and her confidence, and in following such advice, a mother may really struggle to establish breastfeeding.

How many times do mothers say “I really wanted to breastfeed, but I was told I “couldn’t” or that I should stop because, or I didn’t have enough milk? ” What about what a mother really wants to do? How about listening to her, giving her honest relevant information and then determining a plan of action to help her achieve what she wants to as well as helpful suggestions for enabling her to cope and feel affirmed? Like, “Yes, breastfeeding is non stop at times and exhausting, but here are some suggestions to ensure you’re getting enough rest, food, etc” Or, better, “here is what your partner and family can do to help you” So many people think helping a new mother means physically taking the baby away….it’s more about helping the mother to simply be a mother..and taking on her other responsibilities for a time.

It seems like the system is more about managing mothers than it is actually helping them breastfeed. Many mothers seem to be given advice that provides a short term solution to her present state, but does not really take into consideration what she really truly wants to do, and may or may not improve things in the long term. My problem with all this is that it reduces mothers to nothing more than emotional wrecks that need managing. The big picture is hardly taken into consideration, and she is not really listened to or empowered.

Breastfeeding is 90% confidence and only 10% milk. It’s hard work…but mothering is hard work. It’s serious hard work. It’s one of the hardest jobs  a woman will ever do. No matter if they are breastfeeding, bottle feeding, imposing  a strict routine, or going with the flow, it’s hard, it’s tiring, and time consuming. There really is no getting around this. Even if a mother has a lot of support and has a hands on husband, a willing mother in law, or is paying a nanny, she is still the mother and the job of being a mother going to cost time, energy, and resources.

So where are all the health professionals six months later when all sky has cleared and the drama has ended? When a mother looks back at that tumultuous time and wonders….”maybe if I’d asked for a second opinion, or rang a helpline, or had more help with everything else…..or just not doubted myself so much..or just been told the truth..maybe I could have done what I really wanted to do”

Let me end by clarifying that the reason I am writing this is because I want to help mothers who want to breastfeed. I am not interested in any way of trying to persuade or convince mothers who have decided they don’t want to…as long as they’ve had all the information then I fully respect their choice. I feel women deserve to make choices based on truth, not on mis information. My heart breaks for a mother who really wants to breastfeed but is given advice from trusted health professionals that is flawed, and based on the assumption that they are too fragile to handle the truth.

I found this blog very telling. The mother has bottle fed and breast fed and so can speak from both sides. She also rails against the system where mothers seem to be shielded from the facts due to the belief that they can not handle the truth.

Ireland.

A distant memory some days. When immersed in a Marian Keyes novel, I find myself laughing hysterically and enjoying the dialogue , hearing it in my head as its written…yet at the same time forgetting that the reason I find it so funny and appreciate the humour is because I lived there for a stint.

When people asked me how I knew Elaine this weekend, you know, as they do at weddings..I replied that I lived with her for a year in Limerick. Well it was actually just over a year..but somehow in my memory it was a lot longer than that…yet at the same time…It’s become a memory now that is incredibly real one minute but then very fuzzy and distant the next especially when compared to the present.

When I think about the fact that I really only lived with Elaine for one year, and that Louise was practically living on top of us for that year…a close and constant companion to me…why does it feel like so much longer? It was an incredibly strange year for me on paper…but somehow those friendships remain significant in my life and have continued to. Sure they lasted beyond that year. There were subsequent visits and of course the whole dramatic event of my own wedding where I insisted they spend the entire week leading up to it with me, at my side. I suppose in the years where I tentatively settled into England, they were my constants. Although far away, I knew they were my true friends that I could rely on as I very slowly started to make friends in the UK.

My time in the UK before I had my own children and after leaving the sort of “single life” I had lead in Limerick was a bit of a no man’s land. I was working full time with teenagers, who I spent most of my time with, and then there were my fellow adults who were mostly married with young children. As I wasn’t quite there yet, I wasn’t really on their radar, so I was sort of too old for the teenagers and too young for the other adults. So although I wasn’t near them, during that time, Elaine and Louise’s  friendship continued to mean a lot to me because they were the closest friends I had this side of the Atlantic.

I had to miss Louise’s wedding due to us being in South Africa. I’m sure if you look somewhere in my blogs there will be some post where I’m grieving this fact. So when Elaine’s wedding date was set, I simply was not going to miss it. I had to go…..I had to be there. She’d been there for me…added her gorgeous violin playing to the worship at our service and stood as a bridesmaid for me..not to mention just being there during that insane week of  joy, stress and tears leading up to the day. Even though I’m not privileged to be part of the day to day of her life any more..I have this thing about honouring a friendship.

I suppose as well, there have been just too many wedding i’ve had to miss of good friends. I mean, really good friends. A good chunk of my friends who I was close with as a teenager got married while I was either saving up money to move overseas and the wedding was a considerable distance away, or else….I was overseas. The problem is, that when you are in a pattern of moving, you tend move somewhere, make good friends, and then move away before the significant events happen, then when you get to the new place…significant things happen to people, but you don’t know them well enough to be a part of  it. So you feel like you’re just missing out…not to be confused with being left out…because it’s not that at all..it’s just…being in the wrong place at the wrong time…even if its actually the right place.

So anyway, I was privileged enough to be a part of a special friends very special day.

Elaine..how do I describe her. She reminded me of a queen on her wedding day. A real queen. She held herself high and the word I’d used to describe her is exquisite. Much of the creative side of the wedding was borne out of her own creativity. She’s always had great ideas. When we shared a flat together, we traced ourselves on paper, and she then painted us. We put our images up on the wall so people saw us as we entered in!! It was great. She also came up with the idea of a guests book for our flat so to this day I have memories of all our visitors who came to stay with us there. She was highly intelligent and logical on one hand and then extremely passionate and creative on the other. If there is any modern day woman that can truly be compared to Elizabeth Bennet out of Pride and Prejudice…it’s Elaine.

There were times I felt a little intimidated living with her. She was of course a professional science editor working full time…while I was a slightly immature girl, fresh out of Bible college, in a slightly odd predicament living in Ireland and doing her best to grow up and work out the next step for my life. I definitely experienced the school teacher side of her at times….yet then I loved the times when she’d open up and I’d see the other side of her.

I will never forget one evening I read the entire Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe out loud to her while she just listened. I always see her sitting on our rather large comfortable leather couch in our basement flat in Limerick. She has a thoughtful look on her face….then she smiles. I loved the music side of her. Her playing the guitar effortlessly, practising her violin…at times entertaining our guests with our songs. A lot of the confidence I have now in my singing is down to the time I spent doing music with her.

She was wise….I could be quite foolish at times… I suppose she’d learned a lot of lessons already that I was sort of on the edge of, needing to go out there and learn myself. She never judged me though…..she had a lot of grace.

Anyway…words cannot describe how pleased I was to hear she was engaged. I sometimes got tears in my eyes just thinking about it. When she gave me the music for the wedding, nearly every song spoke so strongly from her heart and felt so privileged to give a voice to it for my part on the day.

I loved how she looked like a wood nymph..a fairy..but also like an incredibly strong woman..a queen..yet with that vulnerable side…she got it perfect on the day! Although I’d only just met her husband….I had this sense that he got her..he knew here…and that made me incredibly happy for her as well.

An added bonus to this whole thing was the time I got to spend with Louise and her new baby. She was my taxi for the weekend and I also got to know her husband a bit better as well.

The wedding was a whole pile of fun…a real country wedding. I stayed up far too late dancing and singing with mad Irish farmers and old friends. I enjoyed lots of cuddles with baby Rhys and all the marathon chatting with my precious Louise….time chatting with her is like…gold dust….it’s nourishing to my soul like nothing else.

I even got to have some quality conversation with Elaine as she did very well to stick around at her reception till 2:00 am!

So i’m back now..with some great memories. So thankful I got to be there. Thanks to Louise and Elaine for their friendship….I hope I can continue to give back in some way as time goes on.

Her verse for the wedding day was “You have saved the best…till last” from the gospels. and it completely sums up her love story with her new husband. I admire her so much for waiting on God for the best…it encourages me and blesses me in so many ways.