Having good friends around me has been a huge need and priority for me my whole life. It has not always been straightforward. I’m a shy person. I’ve had to be the new person on the block more times than I can count and although it’s contributed to some of my strengths in relationships, it has also made me at times more vulnerable and unsure as ever.

Lately I’ve been remembering an incident that happened back in South Africa. After we’d been there about six weeks, Jon left for a weekend away with some of the men from church. They were all going to some huge massive conference somewhere. I was on my own. We had recently settled into the house we were renting for the year and Iona had just started to settle down and get used to things. I remember getting a phone call from someone from the church inviting me to come over and have have supper at her house. She explained that several of the wives of the men who’d gone on this conference were getting together and it’d be good fun to hang out. In my heart I wanted to say “yes, of course i’ll be there” I was craving community. But in my head I simply could not face messing Iona’s routine up and risk her not sleeping for me. Of course they said I could just bring her and bed her down at theirs….but I doubted this would work. So I declined the invite and spent the majority of the weekend on my own.

Looking back..I wonder what I may have gained if I’d have gone that night. Sure it may have been a little chaotic with Iona…but would it have been the beginning of some special friendships? Of course there were other times I got together with the person who invited me that evening….and others who were there….but I sometimes wonder if my reluctance to go that night almost set me up as someone who was awkward, or difficult…locked in a routine…unbending. The reality was, I was just a mother who had endured enough nights of broken sleep to make the prospect of a rough night feel more like a run up to a prison sentence. I remember how I felt then…so scared of messing things up…so scared of cascading down a path of chaos….it was better to remain isolated and feel in control…then to reach out, connect with people, but possibly pay for it on the sleep side for a night or two.

I think as mothers we can often fall into the trap of feeling like unless we’ve got all our ducks in a row…we can’t have anyone over or go anywhere. We feel most happy socializing when we are on top of things than when we feel things are on top of us. Can we ever really regret time spent with friends or building relationships? I’m not talking about the person who never gets anything done because they are out all the time socializing…I’m just wondering how many times we choose tasks over people. It’s not an easy balance. Somewhere the shopping needs doing, and the dinner needs making and the laundry and tidying need doing…our kids do need some sense of routine and can’t live in chaos and God knows we need time to ourselves…..but..I sometimes wonder if we get the balance wrong. Do we hide behind our tasks? Are we missing out? Is there more we could do together??

One afternoon last week a friend came over. It was a pre-arranged visit. We get together the same time every week. When it was time for her to go, (she had to pick up her son from school) she found she was running late so she very apologetically asked if she could just leave her younger son with me while she quickly fetched her older son from school. Of course! no problem! When she came back I invited her in. Her son and my daughter used to play together so they were happy to see each other. My friend apologized for staying…and I said it was no problem! It wasn’t. I simply got on with preparing tea and made her another cup of tea. She kept remarking how nice it felt to simply “be” there…and I felt it was nice to have her there. I did not feel guilty not giving her my full attention, and she certainly wasn’t demanding it. It was just nice to have the company. We don’t often work around each other….we wait till our jobs are done, then we socialize. But why not get on with some level of housework while hanging out?

I heard of two young mothers with children who went through a season where they would hang out together every day at each others houses. One day they’d clean one house and the next day they’d clean the other. They’d make dinner together and one would take her portion home with her than evening!! How fun would that be?? Some of us probably hear that and shudder….and could not cope with someone in our personal space like that….totally get that..and I think it’s very much a product of our culture. It’s the age of the nuclear family….we don’t really live in community anymore…and it seems to be all about how we all manage to cope and get on with things and “do it ourselves!!”

I accept that that’s how it is..I’m not out to start a commune or anything…I just wonder if we’re missing out on something and if we can find ways to bring our relationships into the every day. If we can be there for each other and be vulnerable enough to show our faces when things aren’t going that well…If we can get to a point when we don’t feel guilty turning up at someone’s house just because we need a break from our own…and when we don’t freak out if someone turns up at ours and our kitchen is in chaos. I wonder if we can start to trust less in our routines…and more in the value of relationships.

I suppose I have to start by asking myself…”am I the kind of person someone would want to be around in that way??” “Do I make people feel comfortable in my home or do they worry about messing things up or staying too long??” “Do I avoid going places in the afternoons because I’m afraid my kids will fall asleep in the car??” “do I have the courage to admit I’m feeling rubbish and that I just need someone to look after me this morning while I recover from the worst night in history” There is no use going on about it if I can’t actually come up with the goods myself.

Just some thoughts and questions…..in my continuous pursuit of relationships and community.