It arrived in the post today. A fresh copy of the newly revised “Womanly Art of Breastfeeding”.  As I stared at the front cover….I felt this excitement well up in me. It’s like I have this giddy zeal inside me that makes me want to share it with the first pregnant mother I see. Yet, with that excitement and zeal, I feel this sense of…sadness really.

When I first decided I wanted to help other mothers breastfeed, I was so excited. I remember running around the hills of Mt. Pleasant, my daily workout while living in South Africa…and my mind always drifted back to the antenatal class the NHS provided on breastfeeding, and the mothers to be who sat in a circle less than enthusiastically. It felt a bit like school really. It was not inspiring, and in no way was it empowering. The midwife did her best but the general response in the group was a resigned “well..i’ll give it a go…but if it doesn’t work out…it’s fine” Breastfeeding was presented and understood as some sort of lofty ideal, that some magically seemed to be able to do, but that the majority struggled with, and that many simply “couldn’t do”. This is not what was said in words but it was how it felt really. So as I did my daily run, my mind would swirl with ideas….what would have made that session more productive? What would have really inspired those mothers? what would have empowered them? What would have opened their eyes to consider this issue as something really worth doing?  I had all sorts of ideas.

I came back to the UK and hit the ground running. I joined the world’s leading and most longstanding breastfeeding support group, and threw myself into digesting information and learning as much as I could about the subject so that if anyone needed help or advice, I would know what i was talking about and actually be able to help them.

But the further I have gotten into it, the more mixed feelings I have. It is simply not straightforward. It is not just enough to enthusiastically encourage someone, provide them with information, support, and whatever they would need. It sort of feels like I am up against a great big wall. I want to help people, but I worry about being pushy, about being judgemental, about being pressurising. I suppose I naively think most woman  want to be helped. I was not prepared to hear while helping out at a breastfeeding cafe “If i had to do it over again, I wouldn’t do it” or for this general feeling that the breastfeeding experience is a hard slog that we have to get through  and when we’ve “done our bit”  we can breathe a huge sigh of relief and get on with our lives. I also did not expect to hear such inaccurate information at times with regards to the subject, often given by health professionals.  I knew that I fell somewhere on the attachment parenting spectrum when it came to my parenting but I didn’t expect to get labelled as “extreme”. As much as the issue was important to me, I didn’t realize how quickly it would define me as a person in other people’s eyes.

It sort of dawned on me recently…that a lot of women, simply do not want to be helped. They know in their own minds what they want to do, and they simply do it and get on with it. If they have a question…they’ll ask their health visitor…so just stay away..you’re being pressurizing, interfering…extreme…even if all you have done is say “how are you getting on with it?”  Even quietly modelling it around other mothers can be interpreted wrong….

It’s been a hard lesson, but it’s made me take a step back and realize that all I can do is simply be there for those who want help. It’s hard. It’s always hard when you hear misinformation being given or certain perceptions expressed on the subject.  Yet,  we do live in the Western world…and this is just how it is here. It almost makes me want to give up on the whole thing and just forget that it was even an issue that was important to me. “it’s not worth it” I tell myself…surely there are other things that are more important in life…..other causes I should get stuck in to.

But when I opened my parcel and pulled out the crisp new edition….and saw that beautiful picture on the front, tears welled up in my eyes. My heart tells me, it IS important…it IS what I should be doing….it does actually matter.

It’s my last night in the states….it’s hot, humid, and loud. Fireworks are going off…and really, all I want to do is get the kids to bed and spend one last evening with my parents, watch episodes of 24. and get a good night sleep.

It’s been such a long trip. So long in fact that it feels strange to be leaving. Although I’m not really living in any kind of reality at the moment. In some ways I’m a kid again. I’m back home having meals cooked for me, being taken out to eat, and not having to really worry too much about anything. There are extra hands to help with the kids, and I’m not doing any laundry.

I’ve eaten way too much food and when I come back, I’m sure people are going to think I’m pregnant…but alas, it’s just a “food baby”…or “food triplets’ more like it. I think we have eaten out nearly every night this last week. I’ve discovered Mike’s Hard Lemonade…which I’m sure is responsible for a lot of extra calories…as well as rediscovering things like salt water taffy, chai tea frappucinos, ranch dip, taco dip, beer cheese dip, and various other high fat/high sugar treats. I’ve also had lots of home cooked meals between my mom, my sister, and the incredibly talented Leah Westbrook. So detox…here we come.

It was great seeing old friends. Some that I have not seen in a serious amount of years. It showed me that it really is worth it to keep in touch…people really are the most important thing, and time spent with an old friend is never time wasted.

I discovered I really liked Fish Tacos, and was determined to eat them everywhere I went.

I have decided that british people act a bit less annoying at musical festivals than americans.

I really do miss american customer service at times and the child friendliness of restaurants.

I will so miss my frequent visits to the chiropractor…..I want to bring him back with me!

Highlights of the trips were….

Seeing Iona surrounded by all her cousins at Jake’s graduation…all of them waiting for her to start talking.

Sitting at the outdoor fountains at Bayshore Mall with Nicole, catching the sun, watching Iona and Lexi play together.

Watching Fox New with Julie and Joe and not being able to stop laughing.

Leaving Iona for the afternoon with Granny and coming back and finding them both still in the water!

Watching the DVD of david’s sky dive and listening to him talk about it.

Walking outside and seeing Jon, Iona, and Judah all in the water…Judah happily floating in the baby ring.

Seeing Iona out with Sophia and their ATV….happy and confident.

Helping my sister put food out at her kid’s birthday party

Staying up late talking with Russell and Leah…later than any of us had stayed up since we can remember. It was like we were in college again.

Eating my mom’s grilled wild alaskan salmon for dinner the first night I arrived.

Being reminded of what good pizza tastes like.

Watching Iona playing the restaurant game with my dad.

Eating a totally over the top rich peanut butter chocolate concoction while out with Chris and Jen

Listening to Chris and Dave reminisce about Summerfest in bygone years…while at summerfest

Eating an everything bagel.

hmmmmm I could go on.

Not so great moments.

The whole nursing in public confrontation….the blog that ensued, and the drama that followed….still bothering me.

The long drives everywhere!!! nothing is ever a simple trip out!

The Iona meltdowns…..due to jet lag, staying up late with cousins, more sugar than she’s ever ingested…

Feeling like even though I was on holiday..I wasn’t really on holiday….as in…..I still had two young children to take care of….even though I had help.

Feeling like a foreigner…and realizing that when I go back home…i’m still an outsider….that panicked feeling of “ahhh where do I belong???” which most of the time I just live with

Anyway..thanks to all my family and friends in the States for what was a really amazing visit. It was the longest stretch of time I’ve spent in the States since leaving in 2001!!! It was worth it!